Mama in the making whose heart is just aching

I just never knew my capacity to love before having Jaclyn. It’s so overwhelming in the best way. It’s the good kind of heart ache. It’s nearly impossible to describe.

The day after Jaclyn was born, I FaceTimed my mom sobbing. When she asked why, I blubbered, “Nothing. She’s so perfect. I just love her so much.”


When we got home from the hospital and gave Jaclyn her first sponge bath in the sink, she screamed and cried. And so did I. I left halfway through and made Seth and GG finish it because I couldn’t handle my girl being upset.


I didn’t cry, but got all worked up, thinking about the potential of her being bullied in preschool if the hemangioma on her head doesn’t shrink before then. Ain’t nobody gonna hurt my baby!


Jaclyn is three and a half months old now, and sometimes I still cry while singing, “You’ll never know dear, how much I love you (please don’t take my sunshine away).” I just never knew my capacity to love before having Jaclyn. It’s so overwhelming in the best way. It’s the good kind of heart ache. It’s nearly impossible to describe.


Sometimes in the middle of the night while I’m awake pumping, I scroll back to the day I was induced and look at every picture and video I’ve taken since. There are tons. But I don’t want to forget anything. I want to remember every little detail of Jaclyn’s life.


So I’m documenting her growth each week. “She laid in her bassinet without crying!” Now she’s learning how to put herself to sleep. “She held onto her rattle for at least 30 seconds!” Now she’s already developing fine motor skills. Another picture of her lifting her head during tummy time? That’s why she can roll now. I’m literally watching her learn how to live, and it’s the most beautiful, fascinating experience. I am so proud of my little queen.


Even the undesirable parts of parenting an infant aren’t so bad. I am regularly covered in breast milk and spit up. On the really rough days, I’m also covered in poop. I happily suck the mucus out of Jaclyn’s nose with the Nose Frida. The few days where she just doesn’t feel well and scream and cries way more than normal. Jaclyn is worth it. 100%.


As for me, sometimes I forget to brush my teeth. I’ve learned to be okay with eating cold food. I now embrace cat naps. I’m significantly less modest, but in the ‘I pushed out a baby and at least 10 people watched’ kind of way.


All jokes aside, I feel like I’m a better person since Jaclyn was born. She has put so much into perspective for me. Jaclyn has taught me to slow down and how to roll with interruptions. She reminds me to be good to myself because she needs her Mommy and because she is going to watch how I treat myself and learn from it. Jaclyn brings me so much joy. I regularly grin and giggle at her and now with her all day long. She reminds me to be intentional about the time we spend together. Jaclyn literally grows every single day, and if I’m not intentional about our time together, I will miss a lot.

I truly hate being away from her, whether it be running an errand or just being in the room next door working. Not in the overprotective way, but I genuinely enjoy hanging out with my girl. She’s still pretty small, but goodness what a sweet personality.


Being a mama is the most tired I’ve ever been, but it’s also the happiest, most fulfilled I’ve ever been. Jaclyn is my little angel baby. She’s just so perfect. And I love her so much.

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