Don’t forget the journey

Shortly after I learned we were having a baby, I began asking my mom, “When you were pregnant…?” questions. To which she replied, “I don’t know, I haven’t had a baby in 30 years. Plus, you kind of forget all the discomfort once the baby arrives.” It was at that point I started writing throughout my pregnancy.

Shortly after I learned we were having a baby, I began asking my mom, “When you were pregnant…?” questions. To which she replied, “I don’t know, I haven’t had a baby in 30 years. Plus, you kind of forget all the discomfort once the baby arrives.”

It was at that point I started writing throughout my pregnancy. Practically, I wanted a timeline of my experiences for any future pregnancies or to share with friends. But also, some of this is just silly, and I’ve gut laughed reading back through it now that I’m on the other side of it. There is definitely camaraderie in motherhood, so I hope you enjoy my honest and candid journey regardless of what phase of life you’re in.

39 weeks

Pre-Pregnancy and the First Trimester:

In preparing to get pregnant, I did seed cycling when I went off the pill. I’m not sure if it actually contributed, but it can’t hurt to help normalize your hormones.

Both times I’ve been pregnant, I knew I was before I even took the test. It was mostly because I’d started peeing during the night, which was not my normal routine.

We decided not to wait for the “safe zone” of making it through the first trimester to announce. We didn’t have a safe zone the first time. And I’m glad we didn’t wait the second time. However, if you share early, everyone will think you’re farther along than you actually are for your entire pregnancy.

No one tells you that all of the ultrasounds until the 20 week gender reveal is a wand that goes up your vagina and is waved around as if conducting an orchestra. That was a terrifying surprise. (In retrospect, definitely not a big deal once you’ve birthed a child.)

Body Changes: I felt crampy early on during pregnancy when my uterus was growing for the first time. My boobs felt as heavy as bricks. My sense of smell became that of a blood hound. I’m thankful I didn’t have much nausea or morning sickness. For the few days that I did, cinnamon disks gave me some relief. Fatigue is no joke. I slept at 7-8pm many week nights. And sometimes at work, I closed my office door and laid down for 15 minutes to get through the day.

The Second Trimester

Maternity clothes are worth the money. (Full disclosure, I still regularly wear my maternity leggings because they’re just that comfortable.) I needed maternity bras at 12 weeks, and I started wearing maternity clothes around 18-19 weeks. Also, get the maternity underpants.

Do your research before you create a baby registry. I Facebook polled folks about their can’t-live-without items. And then I picked friends who I trust to give me more specifics. You can also research the current year’s top selections on big items such as car seats, cribs, etc. I did my registries at 23 weeks.

When you physically go to do the registry, plan a sit down/lunch break in between. It’s exhausting and overwhelming. I didn’t, and I ended up sitting in an aisle floor almost in tears because my feet hurt so bad. Also, take your best gal pals. My mama and sister were lifesavers.

We chose not to publicly announce our baby’s name until she was born. People have way too many opinions, and I’m way too feisty for my own good if they insult me.

Body Changes: My ankles started swelling, mostly my left one. It would go down after I elevated it at or above my heart. However, when I switched to decaf coffee, it stopped for a while. My lady parts got SO heavy and uncomfortable, and that just got worse until labor. I could physically feel my belly muscles stretching as the baby grew each week. I became much, much hungrier. My back regularly hurt but nothing that a heating pad or rice pack couldn’t fix.

The Third Trimester

Be sure to have firm, comfy furniture. We only had old kitchen chairs and a well used couch that I sank into.

By week 30, I carried around a body pillow and an oscillating fan wherever I went in the house. I usually ended up in my skivvies by the end of the night with a fan directly on me while Seth was in full winter wear.

Poll your friends about their pregnancy cravings— it’s fascinating. I didn’t have too many intense cravings. I mostly wanted sandwiches from Jimmy Johns, McAllisters, or Panera which was odd because generally speaking, I don’t care for lunch meat. I also regularly wanted Chickfila Original Iced Coffee; don’t worry, I only drank it occasionally.

I hate the outdoors; I truly have no desire to ever be outside. But the fresh air felt SO good in the second and third trimester during winter and spring.

Body Changes: At week 27/28, we finally felt her kick (on the outside of my belly). Around weeks 29/30, my belly button popped out and was a little sore. Difficulty breathing became pretty normal. My ribs and lungs started to get squished. Eating wasn’t as enjoyable. I got full faster because there wasn’t much space and then the heartburn sets in, the kind that lingers at the top of my throat and physically burns. I suggest drinking small cups of soda to help you burp. Sparkling water just isn’t the same.

It’s really difficult to sleep. Every position is uncomfortable, and you gotta pee all the time. I *think* I started sporadically have Braxton Hicks around week 30. At 33 weeks, the swelling returned and stayed. I was high risk for preeclampsia and ended up on bed rest (while selling and buying a new home). There was a late night trip to the OB ER because of it. And finally at my 39 week appointment, they decided to keep me and induce me.

Here I am now four months post partum with my girl. I am still a new mom, but I wouldn’t have remembered half of this journey had I not written it down. I’m not one of those women who miss being pregnant, but I am thankful for the memories of growing my baby girl.

Mama in the making whose heart is just aching

The day after Jaclyn was born, I FaceTimed my mom sobbing. When she asked why, I blubbered, “Nothing. She’s so perfect. I just love her so much.”


When we got home from the hospital and gave Jaclyn her first sponge bath in the sink, she screamed and cried. And so did I. I left halfway through and made Seth and GG finish it because I couldn’t handle my girl being upset.


I didn’t cry, but got all worked up, thinking about the potential of her being bullied in preschool if the hemangioma on her head doesn’t shrink before then. Ain’t nobody gonna hurt my baby!


Jaclyn is three and a half months old now, and sometimes I still cry while singing, “You’ll never know dear, how much I love you (please don’t take my sunshine away).” I just never knew my capacity to love before having Jaclyn. It’s so overwhelming in the best way. It’s the good kind of heart ache. It’s nearly impossible to describe.


Sometimes in the middle of the night while I’m awake pumping, I scroll back to the day I was induced and look at every picture and video I’ve taken since. There are tons. But I don’t want to forget anything. I want to remember every little detail of Jaclyn’s life.


So I’m documenting her growth each week. “She laid in her bassinet without crying!” Now she’s learning how to put herself to sleep. “She held onto her rattle for at least 30 seconds!” Now she’s already developing fine motor skills. Another picture of her lifting her head during tummy time? That’s why she can roll now. I’m literally watching her learn how to live, and it’s the most beautiful, fascinating experience. I am so proud of my little queen.


Even the undesirable parts of parenting an infant aren’t so bad. I am regularly covered in breast milk and spit up. On the really rough days, I’m also covered in poop. I happily suck the mucus out of Jaclyn’s nose with the Nose Frida. The few days where she just doesn’t feel well and scream and cries way more than normal. Jaclyn is worth it. 100%.


As for me, sometimes I forget to brush my teeth. I’ve learned to be okay with eating cold food. I now embrace cat naps. I’m significantly less modest, but in the ‘I pushed out a baby and at least 10 people watched’ kind of way.


All jokes aside, I feel like I’m a better person since Jaclyn was born. She has put so much into perspective for me. Jaclyn has taught me to slow down and how to roll with interruptions. She reminds me to be good to myself because she needs her Mommy and because she is going to watch how I treat myself and learn from it. Jaclyn brings me so much joy. I regularly grin and giggle at her and now with her all day long. She reminds me to be intentional about the time we spend together. Jaclyn literally grows every single day, and if I’m not intentional about our time together, I will miss a lot.

I truly hate being away from her, whether it be running an errand or just being in the room next door working. Not in the overprotective way, but I genuinely enjoy hanging out with my girl. She’s still pretty small, but goodness what a sweet personality.


Being a mama is the most tired I’ve ever been, but it’s also the happiest, most fulfilled I’ve ever been. Jaclyn is my little angel baby. She’s just so perfect. And I love her so much.

Already a worried mama

There’s really no good way to prepare for pregnancy after miscarriage. There are blogs and articles, but none of them can really prepare you for the anxiety of losing your new little love. From the morning of the positive test, I was already a worried mama.

There’s really no good way to prepare for pregnancy after miscarriage. There are blogs and articles, but none of them can really prepare you for the anxiety of losing your new little love. From the morning of the positive test, I was already a worried mama.

I was given a prescription for Progesterone to start taking immediately after we learned we were pregnant to help reduce the risk of loss.

I had blood work done within days of the positive pregnancy test to make sure my HCG levels were at least doubling.

The doctors were gracious enough to give us a 6-week ultrasound instead of at 8-weeks to check and make sure our baby was okay.

We’ve been slow to plan the normal things- her name, her nursery, etc. because we didn’t want to get ahead of ourselves.

I’ve either cried, hyperventilated, or both prior to every single appointment we’ve had in fear that they would tell us that something is wrong.

I’ve cried at the end of most appointments in relief that we could see our sweet baby in the ultrasound and/or hear the heartbeat.

I panicked when I got the flu in January, terrified that it would somehow hurt my little darling.

Now there’s the dang Coronavirus that’s taken over the entire world during my third trimester. I’m staying completely quarantined at home. It’s extra difficult not seeing my parents or my sister, but with so much being unknown about how the virus affects pregnancy, it’s not worth any risk.

Seth still has to work, but we’re regularly adding to our precautions of not bringing any germs home. And I just pray every day that he won’t catch it.

I’m also praying that none of our doctor’s appointments get cancelled so that we can continue to have peace of mind that she’s okay. And that I can find online videos or courses to replace the hospital maternity/parenting classes that have been cancelled.

I’m mentally preparing for it to be only me and Seth at the hospital due to the new visitor restrictions. I’m hoping it doesn’t get any stricter.

And then there’s last night, when I realized I hadn’t felt her move in several hours and got completely panicked. Kick counts are important during the third trimester, and I hadn’t felt her at all during the time span where she’s normally moving a ton.

I cried for at least an hour while my wonderful husband talked to my belly, googled the ways to get her to move, and prayed out loud. Eventually and thankfully, she did start wiggling around.

During the wait, I just kept thinking that we are so close; we can’t lose her now. It was too difficult losing our first baby, and that situation was so different and much earlier. Now our baby girl has adorable ultrasound pictures, and she has a name (though we’re not sharing until she’s born). There was more PTSD tonight from our first loss, and it was really hard to come out of it.

This has been a long 30 weeks of worry. But also of thankfulness. Seth and I are just so grateful for every good report on our sweet girl. We are 10 weeks out from our due date. We’re slowly getting furniture and decorations for her nursery. We dream about what she’ll look like and what personality traits she’ll get from who. We are so ready to meet our baby girl.

This anxious mama just has to hang on for 70 more days. Then we have her whole life to go, which is a whole different kind of worry so I’m told. But at least she’ll physically be here in our arms to love, nurture, and teach how to do good in this world.

Loss and New Life

This week we remember our first baby. This week we also go to meet our second baby for a 6-week ultrasound. That’s right… we’re expecting again!

This week we remember our first baby. October 15 is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. It’s only been a little over 3 months since we said goodbye to our little nugget, but our first sweet baby is remembered every day.

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This week we also go to meet our second baby for a 6-week ultrasound. That’s right… we’re expecting again! Four months exactly to the day that we learned we were pregnant the first time.

Every night for the last 3 months and 8 days, I’ve asked God to take care of my little nugget, and to please give us another baby that we can keep. It’s that last part that’s tripping me up though. Will we get to keep this one? The doctors have assured me that at this point, there is no reason why we should have trouble again. We did some blood tests the first couple of days to check my hCG levels, and instead of doubling, they tripled! I’m also on progesterone supplements which is supposed to help prevent miscarriage.

I am excited and thankful. This time I want to publicly celebrate this tiny little life. Screw the waiting rule/suggestion. We didn’t have a safe zone last time, so our loved ones only shared in the sorrow. Please celebrate this new little one with us!

I am also terrified and in denial. I think part of me is telling myself to expect the worst when we go to the doctor later this week, so if it is bad news, maybe we won’t be blindsided.

And then there’s still sadness. Much of this whole pregnancy thing is still so recent and familiar, and it feels like it should still be my little nugget. But it’s not. Notice we haven’t nicknamed this baby yet. She (Seth’s convinced it’ll be a girl) will not be called nugget because that’s already been claimed. I’ve found a different pregnancy app that I don’t like as much but using the other was too sad and confusing. This little one will be our firstborn, who won’t know her older sibling. It’s all very emotionally confusing.

I’ve read several blogs about pregnancy after miscarriage, and it’s comforting to know that all I’m feeling is normal. I’ll close with a prayer I wrote the morning we learned we were pregnant again.

Lord, please give us this baby. I am so thankful that you healed my body already and that Seth and I were able to create another little human together. Lord I want to be excited. I want to be over the moon, full of smiles and giggles, but at the moment I’m just in terrified shock. I’m a little scared that I’ve already lost the baby before I even knew I was expecting. I don’t want to wonder if the egg is developing. I don’t want to wait weeks and weeks and weeks to know. I really don’t think my heart and my health can handle losing another child. Lord please continue to heal and give favor to my body. Help me to do all I need to to give this little sweetheart a good, safe environment to grow into a healthy baby. Please settle our hearts. Please give us peace that you want what is good for us. Lord overall, please just take care of us. We’re still really fragile. Thank you again for this little glimmer of hope.

Our Mushy Gushy Love Bubble

My heart has been ready to be a wife since I was 16 years old.  It ached to be known and to know another in a faithful, lifelong commitment.  A couple relationships came and went, with a bit of heartache along the way.  I entered adult life watching most friends my age get married, start careers, buy homes, have kids.  Until finally at the age of 28, it was my turn.

My heart has been ready to be a wife since I was 16 years old.  It ached to be known and to know another in a faithful, lifelong commitment.  A couple relationships came and went, with a bit of heartache along the way.  I entered adult life watching most friends my age get married, start careers, buy homes, have kids.  Until finally at the age of 28, it was my turn.

I met Seth in March 2011 when we both signed up for a Spring Break mission trip to Dearborn, Michigan with Campbellsville University.  Because it was a small campus, I knew he was a crazy outgoing guy who played Ultimate Frisbee every Sunday, but we’d never officially met.  Our road trip was about six and a half hours and by the time we arrived to Dearborn, it felt like I had known Seth for years.

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We stayed friends after this trip and even after graduation.  Our friendship was very much on again off again depending on the phase of life, but when we would reconnect, we could pick back up right where we left off.  He attended my international student parties.  I was with him the day he discovered his love for rock climbing.  He was a huge support for me by phone and text when I moved to Houston.  He was my plus-one any time I asked.  There were some feelings mixed in, but we, well really, I never gave them a chance.  There was even a year or so that I stopped speaking to Seth altogether because he told me he wanted to have ten children one day and I couldn’t handle that.  Thankfully that hiatus also passed, and thankfully, he was just joking.  At that time, I didn’t want to take the risk.  I was in independent woman, “I only need a man for health insurance” kind of mode.

In early September, Seth was my plus-one to a wedding I was in.  I walked him out of the reception and as we were saying goodbye, with colorful outdoor lanterns hanging overhead and music playing in the background, he asked, “This is so romantic.  Are you really going to let this moment pass?”  I giggled like a little girl, and I let the moment pass.  I didn’t fully accept that I had feelings for Seth until he travelled to Ultimate Frisbee nationals with a girl on his team, and I was terrified they were going to fall in love on that trip.  I remember typing out message after message asking him to just come home and ask me out.  I don’t think he believed me when I told him that I wanted to be more than friends because I had been so wishy washy in the past.  It still took us some time before we chose to be together.  I didn’t want to lose him if things didn’t work out.  My college roommate talked some sense into me one night and said, “It doesn’t really matter if you’re risking a great friendship.  Because if it doesn’t work out, you all won’t stay good friends after you marry someone else.  And if it does work out, you’ll marry your best friend.”

And so I did. We started officially dating October 29, 2016.  We were engaged January 12, 2017.  And we secretly got married on February 25, 2017.  A week after we started dating, Seth attended a Somali Peace Feast with me.  We had homecooked Somali food and had some real conversations with some new Muslim friends about how we can bridge the gap between beliefs, cultures, and more to bring peace to our community.  That night we both knew that our forever had begun, and that it would likely move at a quick pace.  Thankfully, my family saw it too.  Soon after we started dating, my mom said that my Grammy asked if my sister and I would be having a double wedding the next summer.  But that was too far away.  With my sister living in Ecuador, I knew that I couldn’t have a wedding without her.  I also knew that I didn’t want to wait.  We had waited for each other long enough.

On February 25, 2017, I moved all my belongings into “Squirrel House,” the man cave home that Seth lived in.  We went to my college roommate’s daughter’s birthday party.  Then I left early to get my hair done, change into my wedding dress, and we got married.  Since my dad is a pastor, he married us at my lifelong church with only our parents and two good friends to video and take pictures.  We also facetimed my sister in from Ecuador, so she didn’t miss it.  I had decorated the second-floor foyer with paper lanterns and a simple backdrop.  There was an aisle runner from the elevator to the altar.  I made my own bouquet and bought a $200 dress.  I got ready on the first floor, and when it was time, I rode the elevator up by myself.  My dad met me as the doors opened and walked me down the aisle as the Bridal Chorus played on my i-Phone.  We were both so excited and giggly the entire time; I don’t think I’ve ever been that happy.  I forgot to prepare the traditional wedding exit song, so we hummed it as we walked down the aisle as husband and wife.  It was simple and perfect.  I can’t imagine doing it any other way.

Now, there were many people who were unhappy that we didn’t share our wedding experience.  But we made up for it through four wedding showers and two wedding receptions.  Both receptions were so uniquely memorable.  For our church reception, we asked married guests to send in their own wedding photo with some marriage advice.  These were posted all around the room for everyone to view.  We also asked that it be potluck style and that took me back to my more traditional Baptist roots with food and friends from my whole life.  Our other reception was close to the wedding ceremony I had dreamed of.  Teaching ESL and introducing my students and friends to Americana culture has been most of my adult life, so I knew I wanted them to be involved on my special day.  We held a mock wedding for my ESL students.  We re-enacted what a traditional American wedding looks like including bridesmaids and groomsmen, flower girls and a ring bearer, cutting the cake, etc.  To jazz things up more internationally, our guests were asked to bring food from their country to share and to wear their native dress.  There was also an option to get henna.  My favorite part of the evening was when one of my Sudanese students told Seth that if he doesn’t take care of me, she would beat him with an okra stick.  She was so serious, and then followed it up with, “Thank you for inviting me.  Have a good night!”

As of today, we have been married for 1 year and 5 months, and there’s not been a dull second.  In that time we have lived in three homes, travelled to three states and through the Amazon Rainforest in Ecuador, survived surgery and therapy, and had multiple job transitions.  On a more regular basis, we wrestle in our homemade dojo; we watch all kinds of alien weirdness on Marvel television and movies; we are regulars at the Mexican restaurant near our house; we now have a rock wall on our back deck.  My life is so fun and full with Seth.  I couldn’t ask for a better partner in life.  He’s the most real, down to earth, honest person I know.  He is selfless and positive and always builds me up.  No one will ever know the extent of which he takes care of me.  Seth deserves the best of everything in this life.  I adore my husband, and I want to live in this mushy gushy love bubble for the rest of our lives.

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